Currently Reading Satan Speaks! By Anton Szandor LA Vey, Anton Szandor Lavey, Introduction by Blanche Barton see related

Wow, finally a breakthrough...

I've been reading a most delightful and inspiring book. I can't believe I haven't read it till now, but then again perhaps it was just time. It gave me insight into the past 14 years of my life and where I went wrong, and how I've committed one of the gravest sins in my religion... the sin of stupidity. Thank you Anton Szander LaVey, thank you for even in death you have opened my eyes and awakened me to my true self. I've allowed myself to be a victim. I've allowed myself to be used and abused and all in the trivial pursuit of love from someone who NEVER loved me. All along I should have been seeking revenge for the degradation and torture that she dished out over those 14 years. But, to be fair, I'll give examples. I can not be an accuser without presenting the proof.

She still professes to love me to this day, and even gave tears as I left Virginia. But let's take a good close look at this love. In all actuality, I must admit, Becky is a better satanist than I've ever been in the past. Selfish, self-seving, conditional love, and taking joy in the willful subservience of a follower. Excellant. Kudos to someone who professes to be an aethiest. She's a satanist and doesn't even know it.

Our relationship was mangled with a constant cycle of her leaving me to serve her own needs and desires. Damn the kids, damn me, and damn everyone else involved as long as becky was getting her rocks off. But, like a good little slave, I blinded myself and continued the cycle by "her taking me back" every time. Many times, I had done nothing wrong. But she made me feel like I was somehow the reason for it all. Never mind that it was always at an oportune time for her when she "allowed" me back into her life. There was always some kind of mess to clean up for her, wether it be emotional, or judicial. Then for a time she would be mine untill she felt a wild hair again and left me holding the bag. But she would never be truly mine while we were together. If we fucked once a month it was a miracle, and one that she made me beg for.

And then we moved to Virginia... I acquired a house for us, landscaped it, remodeled it, got a good job, bought the family vehicle, and even got us more elaborate rings to symbolize this new phase of happiness and stability for us. But all the whil, everything was going to shit, and I refused to believe it. I would come home from working 12 hours and I could stand right next to her for 30 minutes and she wouldn't even acknowledge my existence. The more she ignored me, the more I began to drink, and then I would be scoffed and scolded for doing that. It was a never ending cycle of abuse that she secretly relished in. And then sold me the lie that she loves me. Want some examples? Here ya go, I've got a books worth...

1. When anthony and her got together and started living with one another, ( in the house that I provided and her parents paid off after we divorced of coarse), she would tell me that she miraculously found her sex drive again and that her and Anthony were fucking in every manner of depravity they could conjure. They even drilled holes in the bed to affix ropes. From the first day we were married, I had to beg her to be intimate.

2. In all the years I knew becky, she never once offered up a gift to me that would emphasize my love of art. Yet, she buys anthony things for his music on a regular basis in support of his art. And yet she still sells the lie that she believes in me.

3. In all the years I knew becky, it was an act of congress to get her to party with me and just relax as a couple. Now she party's on a regular basis with anthony, which includes drinking. The very same thing she despises me for doing when she was driving me away. Instead of coming together, she used it as a venue to anhilate me. But it backfired. I sobered up, and never looked back. But she then said she "lost a lot of love for me" in that time period. Where was it to begin with?

4. She actually had the balls to come to my house one night, during one of my darkest and loneliest moments, and empty her sorrows on me because of her and anthony having problems. She knew full well I still loved her, but I was good enough to be a friend and console her and offer advice for her heartbreak. It was sadistic and self serving... and I allowed her to do it to me. I'm good enough for counsel, but not good enough when we were married. I couldn't get her to listen when I said Hi.

5. I would spend hours cooking a candle lit meal for her, or doing any number of romantic things to show I cared for her. Just so we could share something special. Most times, it was completely for naught. Now she goes out of her way to make alone time with anthony.

The list goes on and on....

Congratulations rebecca, obviously you've found someone to love. You never loved me. And I'm ok with that now. I have come to find myself in the past few years, and those things will never happen to me again, not without repercussions. You are a true satanist, you just don't know it yet. For you're own sake and happiness, I strongly urge you to seek it out. You're a natural. So am I.  You were the one thing in my life I allowed to hurt me and get by with it. I don't do that anymore...

Ash.. I'm so very sorry we met when we did. If it had been later, I have no doubt we would have made it work. You will always be the one who got away. Ironic, I always thought it was becky, but she was never there to begin with. I was a possesion, nothing more. Congrats on your engagement. I hope you find happiness. Both of you...

I had to move back here so I could keep my memeories of better times alive. I want to share those with my kids. To know themselves, they must know where I come from. Some day, I'll tell them everything... I still love her, but I can never trust her, and the kids when they are older will want to know why.  The truth will set you free.

Michael

" A comfortable falsehood will always win out over an uncomfortable truth"  - Anton Szander LaVey

Currently Listening 10,000 Days By Tool see related

Fuck Floyd

I saw the most amazing concert in the history of my long list of experiences last night. Mellissa, Juan, and Kenny took me to see Tool, and it was nothing short of artwork. The stage was all white and so was the panels in the background. They served as screens for video and at times the whole stage and backdrop were pshycadelic patterns that made them sing and play surrounded by sound and light. As the emotion of the song changed, so did the lighting becoming a symphony of light and sound. You could trip without the acid as they played amidst fire and light. Every note was perfect, every chord rendered, and nuances you can't hear on the cd filled the air. Every song was an unheard extended version just for us. And then in the middle of it all they all sat together on the platform as the audience filled the stands with a thousand points of light from our lighters. The band returned their gratitude by lighting their own for us. And then... just as the crowd screamed at a fevered pitch... Maynard says "Betrayel is louder..." Holy shit that was deep...

It was spiritual. The last song of the night... we prayed for tidal waves, just to see it all go down...

Currently Listening Reign in Blood By Slayer Angel of Death see related

The reign of Terror begins... HERE!!!

I was witness to Mortal Terror. It was one of the most beautiful things I've ever had the pleasure of gazing upon. (Sorry ladies, I mean no disrespect, you should know me anyways, hehehe...) I made a woman fall to the floor on top of her man, screaming and clawing to get away. And then I did it again... Ha Ha fucking Ha!!!! Let's just say "The Screamer" works well in the haunt. Under the stage lights, it all comes to life, and so do I. When I put that mask on and the lights go down, the music begins and the screams of the damned call out, I'm not Michael anymore. I'm... him.  Ash, you would be proud. I've finally had a taste of my true calling, the hunger is stonger than ever, my destiny is clear. The reign of terror begins now...

And I still miss my kids.

Currently Listening The 13th Hour By Midnight Syndicate see related

Everything is becoming familiar to me again. Doesn't seem like a daydream anymore. People have been coming around left and right lately since i got back. i was told before i got here that no one hangs around anymore, but just like before i left, i seem to be the glue that holds them all together. i don't know why though...

job search is still continuing. i worked my first night at the haunt on saturday!!!! oh my god, it rocked! it was everything i hoped for. there's no better feeling in the world than scaring the living shit out of people all night in a haunted house. if i wasn't addicted to horror before, i certainly am now. got to get my own going, there's so many ways to improve this whole industry and take it to the next level. these little piggies have no idea whats in store for them when jon and i hit the scene. oh, and the screamer was a hit. it was such a rush. i was energized for many hours after we left that night, i didn't want it to end.

in other news, i miss my children horribly. the only thing my life is missing right now is them. i wish they were here to share the stories with, or to take them around and tell them stories about their mom and i when things were still right. when the world made sense... i wish i could hug them... but i heard some wise words last night from gary busey... "Winners do what losers won't do..." so if it means suffering to achieve, then that's a road i must travel. though i'll hate every minute of it.

I love you guys... i hope you'll always know that. no matter what happens. I'm going to get to work on you're video. you deserve to know the history behind your mom and i, and why it's so hard to let go. maybe i'll learn something about myself in the process.

Currently Listening The Boys Are Back in Town By Thin Lizzy, Philip Lynott see related

And this little piggy cried wee wee wee all the way home...

Man, I cried my eyes out. I watched my little ones walk and climb onto the bus the day I left and it was horrible. But the night before was even worse. I cried from my very soul like my life force could've escaped via my throat if I had just cried a little harder. It was the most excruciating feeling I've ever known. The feeling of being powerless in the face of something larger than you. It was earth shattering. And I miss them always.

In other news, word of my return is spreading quickly. People are showing out by the group. It's like a figure head had walked into town. And I am soooo not a figurehead, it's just cool to see everyone still happy to see me, if not out of morbid curiosity at least. I mean come on, it's been 7 years, I'm legally dead. But I heard from my good friend Reub the other day, he's happy I'm home, I'm one of the friends he wanted to grow old with. That means a lot...

Anyways, the struggle for survival begins now, wish me luck.

Michael